Dog pee. Scorpions. Trade rumors. Alice Cooper movies. This story has everything. 

Chicago Tribune - ...lawsuit filed Tuesday in Maricopa County said Epstein’s dog at the Paradise Valley, Ariz., home where he and his family stayed left “a terrible odor and urine-stained carpeting.”

The owners of the house, John and Mary Valentino, also claimed in the suit that efforts to fix the problem failed because the urine “penetrated through the carpeting and pad to the slab.”

First of all, the pee incident in question happened in 2015. Why are you bringing this up now? Epstein forfeited the $5,000 deposit after he moved out so that should easily cover the cost of new carpeting.

Second of all, Theo had to move his family out of the house early. Why? Scorpions. Apparently the property was infested with them. An exterminator said that he discovered 45 of the predatory arachnids after the Epsteins moved out. Theo said that he "put his family at risk every time he put their children to sleep."

Cubs PR guy, Julian Green, called the lawsuit "frivolous" adding:

This frivolous lawsuit would have you believe a 10-pound rescue puppy transformed into a nightmarish Levitan (sic) from the 1984 Alice Cooper horror movie and went on a rampage in a rental property.

The unflappable Epstein had a great quote to wrap this whole stupid story up.

As I said, we have no untouchables. Winston is definitely available in the right trade

Hear that Winston? Shape up or ship out. Theo's probably going to trade one of the Cub's big pieces this offseason, I don't think he'd bat an eye sending you to Philly for some goldfish. Something to think about.